Counselling my way: Boundaries

Boundaries are crucial for healthy individuals and healthy relationships. Owning, respecting and honouring personal and other’s boundaries in turn affects the health of our families, friends, classes, teams, organisations, faith-based groups and workplaces.

What are boundaries?

In the physical world, we see boundaries that define who owns and has responsibility for property. Examples of these boundaries are fences, walls, signs, hedges, a line of tress, doors and gates. We are responsible for the physical space that we own, borrow or rent. To abuse, destroy or hurt another’s property breaks the law and has consequences.

Personal boundaries define who is ‘me’ and who is ‘net me’. A social beings, our creation and maintenance of boundaries requires a support network. Authentic mentoring encourages each person to grow and to develop boundaries in the academic, emotional, social, spiritual and physical realms.

Boundaries evolve throughout our lives. We constantly develop boundaries and limits for ourselves as we interact with and learn from different people and groups. Much of our experience and attitudes about boundaries evolved from what we saw and experienced at home or school.

The basic concept of boundaries.

The basic concept is that a boundary helps define who is “me” and who is “not me” and what is OK and what is not OK with me. Combined together, a set of boundaries also define my responsibilities and just as importantly, what are NOT my responsibilities.

Boundaries are invisible fences that exist to protect you. They offer protection from others who might seek to exert power and control over us, hurt us, abuse us, manipulate us or use us.

Examples of boundaries:

I am responsible for my own happiness.
I am not responsible for your happiness.
I am responsible for my behaviour and choices.
I am not responsible for your behaviour and choices.

Examples of ideas that are not boundaries:

I am responsible for your happiness. You are responsible to make me happy.
I am responsible for your behaviour. You are responsible for what I do.
I am responsible for your attitude. You are responsible for my attitude.
I am responsible for your choices. You are responsible for my choices.
I am responsible for your feelings. You are responsible for my feelings.

Knowing your boundaries makes it easier to recognise and respect other people’s boundaries.

Knowing your boundaries makes it easier for you to communicate your boundaries and limits.

No one has perfect boundaries.

No one keeps their boundaries perfectly. We all struggle at times to set up and keep healthy boundaries.

External Boundaries.

External boundaries give us control over our physical being. They define who we let into our physical space. For example we decide who touches us and how. The external boundaries interact with our internal boundaries and we need to consider both to be able to establish good external and internal boundaries.

Internal boundaries surround your personal thoughts, feeling and emotions.

Weak internal boundaries.

Weak boundaries allow an open, uncontrolled flow of events, people and information in and out of your inner world.
Everything that happens in the outside world affects you and becomes absorbed inside too.
Everything that happens inside just flows on out.
You may feel that you have no control over the flow of information, thoughts, feelings and emotions in and out of your inner world..

Rigid internal boundaries.

Rigid boundaries allow no access to your inner world.Almost nothing that happens outside of you is allowed in and almost nothing that you experience inside is allowed out.
You want to have total control over the flow of information, thoughts, feeling and emotions in and out of your space.
As human beings are made for connection and relationship, rigid boundaries may present a barrier to healthy relationships.

Appropriate internal boundaries.

Appropriate boundaries allow you to selectively ‘open’ or close’ access to your own inner world.
You decide if whatever happens in the outside world affects you and what you will share about your inner world and how, when, why and who with.
You keep significant control over the flow of information in and out of your world.

Some ideas on setting boundaries

When you clearly identify that you need to set a limit with someone, do it clearly, preferably without anger and in as few words as possible.

Avoid justifying, rationalizing or apologizing.
Offer a brief explanation if it makes sense to do so.
We cannot maintain relationships until we can communicate with others what hurts and what feels good.

You cannot simultaneously set a boundary and take care of another person’s feelings.

The two acts are not mutually exclusive but your boundary must come first. Setting the boundary will even sometimes open the door to working with another person’s feelings, if that is what you want to do.

You may feel ashamed and afraid when you set boundaries.

Do it anyway. People may not know that they are trespassing on you. Also, people do not respect others whom they can use. Healthy limits benefit and respect everyone. Children and adults will feel more comfortable around you if you have strong boundaries.

Anger, rage, complaining and whining are clues to boundaries we need to set.

The things we say we can’t stand, don’t like, feel angry about and hate point clues to where we may need to set boundaries. When we experience those strong thoughts, feelings and emotions, they often indicate where problems are. Like a flashing red light on the car dashboard. As well, shame or fear may be barriers we need to break through to take care of ourselves. Other clues that we may need to set a boundary include feeling threatened, ‘suffocated’, or victimised by someone. We may need to get angry to set a boundary but we do not need to stay resentful to enforce one.

We will be tested when we set boundaries.

Plan on it. It doesn’t do any good to set a boundary until we are ready to enforce it. Often the key to boundaries isn’t convincing other people we have limits – it’s convincing ourselves! Once we really know what our limits are, it won’t be difficult to convince others. In fact, people often sense when we have reached our limit. We will stop attracting so many boundary invaders and things will change when we decide to change.

Reflective exercise on setting boundaries.

Think of a person with whom you have trouble setting and keeping either external or internal boundaries.

Circle or highlight any of the “Caution” signs of boundary trouble you experience. There are
probably hundreds more but these may be a good place to start:

I could not make my own decisions.
I did not feel comfortable asking what the other person wanted from me.
I struggled to say no to the other person.
I was too sensitive to his or her criticism of me.
I felt responsible for the other person’s feelings.
I took on the other person’s mood when we were together.
I could not state my own ideas, beliefs, attitudes or opinions when I am with him/her.
I often gossip about others we both know when I am with the other person.
I do things I do not really want to do that the other person does want to do.
I think I need to please the other person.
I think I have to make the other person happy.
I have trouble trusting the other person.
I have a hard time looking the other person in the eye.
I disparage others’ ideas, beliefs, attitudes or opinions when I am with the other person.
I let him/her interrupt me.
I get caught up in his/her life problems.
I let him or her try to rescue, fix or save me when I am having problems or struggles.
I spend money that I feel I should not spend to go places the other person wants to go.
I try to force my ideas, beliefs, values or opinions on the other person.
I say things or “push button” that I know will hurt or anger the other person.
I stretch the truth or exaggerate often when I am with the other person.