Defining a life not constrained by abuse is difficult but achievable. Documenting the abuser's behaviour and its effects on you and those around you helps develop clarity around patterns of behaviour. It also helps develop a strong body of evidence that may be beneficial when used in DV court, mediation, Family Law Court (FLC) for divorce, parenting orders or property settlement.
Here is another way of looking at it. It is an excerpt from the book "Will I ever be free of you?" by Karyl McBride (2015, p.15).
"Recently, I logged onto Amazon.com to buy some hanging folders for my office. I was trying to decide between three different options and decided to look at the customer reviews. You'll understand why this review caught me eye:
If your getting divorced you need these [file folders]. These will help you organise your soul-crushing divorce into easy-to-find packets of misery when you have to go to court to battle your insane drug-addicted ex (again) over custody of your two traumatized children. Don't put your pain in a pile! Let these hanging file folders neatly catalogue the narrative of how you undid the worst mistake you've ever made. Your lawyer will thank you"
Here are a few ideas to help develop your documentation. Many of these have come from clients themselves. In no specific order:
- This is not journalling, which is all about you. Keep your documentation separate, in a separate notebook, diary, journal or Word file to your journal. You may reflect upon your documentation in your journal but the details belong in the book put aside for documentation.
- Record each incident with the date, time details of the incident and how it affected you and the family members. Keep the record brief, informative and factual.
- Record children's behaviour, especially before, during and after contact visits or telephone calls. Hopefully contact visits and phone calls are always done with the children's best interest at heart and they are nourished and cherished through contact, many parents do make this happen. However if the children are not, it is common for children to become anxious before and after contact and display their anxiety through behaviour.
- Sooner or later it will be helpful to type the records into either a document or spreadsheet. This will help with presentation to police, magistrate, solicitor or judge. It will also help you find specific incidents as you can search on specific words or phrase.
- When you reflect on the collated documentation, take some time out to look for common themes and help you identify what things need to change and what things need to stay the same.
- BIFF. Brief, Informative, Factual and Friendly. The version of the documentation that you present to legal representatives needs to speak to the facts, which in turn will speak for themselves.
- Supporting documentation from outside agencies. If you have a doctor's report, school reports etc that help paint a clearer picture or support your desired outcome, include it as an Annex to the documentation. Always ask police for a written report.
- Should you have any involvement with the police, ask the officer's name, rank, service number and best way to contact them directly if needed. Include this information in your documentation.
